When does moving cross the line to emotional stress for children?
The mental toll of being uprooted with frequent moves can impact children, causing them to feel a loss of control and leading to anxiety.
Childhood can be an idyllic time in a person’s life. They may have grown up in a traditional environment, with growth charts on doorframes painstakingly taken on birthdays and annual community events like a neighborhood Halloween party.
Multiple moves in childhood
Or childhood may stray to the realities life heaps upon us. Financial decisions, job relocations, moving to take care of a family member, or more harshly… relationship issues, job losses, or absentee parents with substance use disorders may be the driving forces behind frequent childhood moves.
This can leave a child feeling uprooted and not feeling as if they belong anywhere. They may not have a good role model around to provide support, perhaps because they are caught up in the drama around the situation that is causing the move. If the child is relatively quiet, their feelings may be overlooked because everything “seems” fine.
Teaching how to make friends when moving gives control back
Moving doesn’t always cause lifelong damaging effects if the adults in the child’s life are aware from the outset that they need to keep a watchful eye on the kiddo. They are the example the child will watch to get their cues for how to feel about the upcoming move and the loss of control they have over it.
Let’s look at Jenni’s story, below.
I mark my childhood, not in years, but by houses, all eight of them.
My parents had the typical 2.0 children and, as the second-born, I lived in our first home the first two years of my life. We moved from Ohio to Texas when my father’s position with a national alarm company was relocated. Being from out-of-state and renting site-unseen, we quickly realized we weren’t in a desirable community (I vividly recall the roaches) and moved to a rental home for the remainder of our Texas stint, which lasted roughly two years.
At age 4, we moved back to Ohio after my grandmother’s death so my mother could take care of her father, and, typical in those generational times, we moved into his home. For about a year (which was one of my favorites), we ran wild outside on a small cul-de-sac with the other neighbor kids and explored all the nooks and crannies that made up our little part of the world.
Family disagreements (rooted back to my mother’s upbringing and often involving alcohol) led us to move at age 6 to a townhouse inexplicably 20 miles away from what had always been the center of my parents’ lives. For reasons I didn’t understand (but now know to be the inability to pay rent and we were facing eviction) we moved to a home a tad closer to my grandfather, though we never saw him, where we stayed for two years.
If you’re still able to follow along, hold on a bit longer, because we’re nearing the end of the moving cycle. At the beginning of fourth grade (I had moved five times, living in six homes total) we moved again, as my parents began to get more financially grounded.
My mom had successfully completed rehab for alcohol, but my dad was working in restaurants and still was drinking, often not coming home. I completed five years at this next school, which I could walk to because it was right next to our townhouse complex. Dad stopped drinking cold-turkey during this time and we moved to our last home of my childhood when I was in sixth grade. We lived there through my college graduation when my parents moved to Florida to be near my paternal grandparents and my sister and I began our adult lives, choosing to stay in our hometown.
All totaled, we lived in eight homes and moved seven times.
Despite the difficult things we experienced, one skill I took away from all the moves was learning how to make friends. With each move, my mom sent my sister and I out the door to knock on neighbors. We’d cheerfully recite we were new and asked if they had any kids our age. I often laugh to imagine their thoughts as they looked at our sweaty, excited, and hopeful upturned faces.
But we learned quickly how to not feel alone and were fortunately welcomed in each place we moved. This also helped build confidence, as we weren’t as worried when a new move was announced. It even started to feel like an adventure. And most importantly, we felt in control of our future, wherever it took us.
Jenni’s story is but one of many. She recalls her mom’s encouragement and the support she had with a big sister by her side. For every Jenni, there is another child who feels anxious over the impending move and struggles to open up to new friends at school. Or they worry about looking out of place, whether by financial disparity or physical appearance. Or perhaps they are shy, hoping to avoid awkward explanations about their living situation.
Frequent childhood moves can cause anxiety
Whatever the reason behind their worry about their inability to build new friendships, it can leave them feeling adrift with no one to anchor them. If they had a long-term friendship, they may mourn that regular physical interaction that comes with physical proximity and lessens with distance. Social media can be helpful, along with FaceTime, but these are stand-ins for the connections people long to have. It isn’t uncommon to have feelings of anxiety with an impending move or afterward. If the child has no siblings, it can offer a deeper sense of isolation.
Here are some symptoms you may notice with a child coping with anxiety, according to the National Institutes of Health:
Difficulty concentrating
Disrupted sleep patterns
Not eating properly
Quick to anger or irritable, and acting out during outbursts
Constantly worrying and expressing negative thoughts
Fidgeting or feeling tense, or using the bathroom often
Crying often
Complaining of stomach aches and feeling unwell
Even after many moves, anxiety can develop
Keep a watchful eye on the child in your care for these symptoms if you know a life-altering experience such as a move will be occurring. If they have already been through several moves, it may seem easy to dismiss an upcoming one because they’ve already been through it. However, if the first ones weren’t handled properly or the multiple moves have been putting them through a toll, whether it’s one move or many, it can cause anxiety.
As their support system, they will naturally look to your behavior as a way to gauge their responses. If you do notice some of the signs above, there are great coping skills for you to consider teaching, which depend on each child’s personality and response.
Coping skills to help moving anxiety
The NHS offers these ideas:
Discuss your child’s worries and anxiety. Maybe they will miss old friends or are worried if they will make new friends. When they feel you understand their feelings, it can be reassuring and lessen their concerns:
Come up with a plan, such as writing, calling, or if a visit will be in the future. Maybe a friend can come for a visit after things settle with the move and your child can show off their new environment.
See if the new community has kids’ programs with the park district if the move is over the summer and school is not open.
If you are busy with a new job, make sure to set aside time to explore their new community in your off time. Part of anxiety is the strangeness of a new environment. The more you can explore together, the more familiar it will feel for your child and help restore a sense of belonging.
Drive by their new school a few times and schedule a walk-through or meet the teacher in advance of the first day. A note in a packed lunch or a promise to visit a new ice cream store to talk over the first day can make them feel less lonely and anticipate a fun treat.
Explain what anxiety is and how it affects the body physically if your child is old enough to understand. Giving them an example, like a wave building and receding repeatedly, may help them see the similarities. Teach them to recognize symptoms themselves and encourage them to ask for help when they need it.
Teach your child relaxation skills to use when a worrisome situation comes up.
Breathing exercises: Inhale for a count of three, exhale for a count of three; repeat three times.
“Worry” box: Write or draw worrisome feelings or situations and put them in a box; sort through them at a scheduled time each week to discuss and implement strategies to cope if they are still anxious; crumple the ones they have “beaten.”
Develop solution strategies. These will help them learn to push through worries so they don’t develop avoidance tendencies and miss out on opportunities, like a friend’s sleepover. Having a plan in place can give them confidence.
Stick to routine whenever possible, even when other disruptions are behind the reason for the move. Familiar patterns help reassure a child and give each day a sense of normalcy during chaos.
Read books that have similar themes to what they are experiencing and the situation that caused it, like a separation, job loss, or a death in the family. They will see they aren’t alone and these situations happen to others.
Seek help with school or a mental health professional if anxiety continues
You’ve had a chance now to read a little about anxiety with moves for children. Understanding your role in helping your child through one of many passages in life they will go through is essential to helping build their mental health and guiding them into adulthood.
If you see the symptoms here, and have tried the coping skills but notice your child still struggles with anxiety and it is affecting their everyday life, it’s okay to get help. Keep open communication with your child’s school and reach out to your pediatrician. Your child can only win with so many adults looking out for his or her wellbeing.
