Self-Compassion When You Fall On Your Ass
I did something this past weekend… I competed in a martial arts tournament for the first time in over a decade and at a higher level than when I was in my thirties. I decided I was going to have fun and just try my best, which alleviated some of the nerves. I also arrived uncertain as to how long I could keep this approach (er, facade?) of self-compassion and non competition going.
I located the space my dojo family had occupied amongst all the other schools, and joined them in the never-ending process of stretching and recalling the katas both physically and mentally about to be performed… for hours as you wait for your belt level to get called. I’m in the adult black belt division. We are solidly last to go, with all the intrigue and the most eyes watching. It is definitely a main event situation.
So, you can imagine the sequence of emotions that unfolded when half way through my first form, in front of the judges, God and country, I found my ass literally falling on the floor.
And it was not a choreographed move folks, or one that I could conceal. I picked myself up and finished the form with as much power as I could muster, as if trying to wipe away the proceeding 10 seconds.
It didn’t. I was embarrassed and sad. I bowed to the judges and walked to the sidelines to join my competitors as the next martial artist took center stage. Internally, shame and sadness emerged instantly.
Externally, I was met with compliments, hugs and affirmations. It was strange. Uncomfortable. And then, I just went with it. Why am I going to internally argue against what these lovely humans are saying to my face? I didn’t have to berate myself for this.
And in the moments that followed, I experienced myself as enough, accomplished, and valued. The embarrassment and sadness melted away fairly quickly, and I just was a bit disappointed.
Until, I started getting excited for my next opportunity to not fall down. My name got called up and my shaky legs walked out on the floor. I took a few deep breaths and layed down a solid weapons form. I didn’t win. I didn’t place. I will even say that I wasn't in the top 10.
I was also good enough and deserved to be there. Self compassion enters stage right, internal pressure exits stage left.
And as a result, I actually feel inspired and a sense of camaraderie with my peers rather than shame or defeat. I see more clearly my strengths and don’t have to recognize my weaknesses as deficits or flaws. When I let go of my “need” to impress, entertain, or please one as masterfully as possible… I can feel lighter and more at ease. I get to connect with my value and self worth, as well as the people around me without this extra noise, pressure, or self-deprecation cluttering up the space.
